We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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