Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
