I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
