i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Randomize
