apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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