Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
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