I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
