Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
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