I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
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After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
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this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
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