My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Randomize
