can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
