Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
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