I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
