Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
