You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
you win again, gameday.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
