I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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