I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
