I'll bet she douches with gravy.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
