Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
