I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
