we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
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You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
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I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
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