Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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