just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
