I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
