I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
