they said they heard you say put it in my butt
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
