I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
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Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
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I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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