My underwear smells like fireworks.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Randomize
