what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
