Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
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