Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Randomize
