Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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