someone threw a dead crab at me
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
We need to get me chipped asap
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
