Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
