It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
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