why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I think my fart just growled at me.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
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