i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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