Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
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