At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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