I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
