just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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