I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
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He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
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Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I have feelings that need drinking.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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