I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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