Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
accomplished twins. life is a go
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
