I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
