No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Come back. Shots need mouths.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
