You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
