Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
