Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Randomize
