The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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