and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Randomize
