Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
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Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
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You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
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