So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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