trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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