i may or may not be watching the land before time
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
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You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
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My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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