Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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