my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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