i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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