So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
