good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Randomize
