First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
